Assertiveness in Action
Broken Record Technique
This technique is used to persistently get your request across, even in the face of resistance or evasiveness. The technique is not intended to foster intimate, long term communication, but rather to make sure your requests are clearly responded to. In the following example, you wish to return an expensive shirt to a department store and receive a refund.
Salesperson: May I help you?
You: Yes, I would like to return this shirt and I would l like a refund.
Salesperson: We don’t usually refund money. Why are you returning the shirt?
You: I would like to return this shirt and I would like my money back.
Salesperson: Didn’t you try the shirt on in the store?
You: I would like to return this shirt and I would like my money back.
Salesperson: Well, if you’re sure you don’t want the shirt, I can give you store credit.
You: I don’t want credit, thank you. I want my money back.
Salesperson: Perhaps you would like to exchange the shirt for another one. Let me show you some of the other shirts that would look nice on you.
You: No, thank you. I would like to return this shirt and I would like my money back.
Salesperson: I’ve never done that before. I might get into trouble.
You: I understand this is a problem for you. However, I would like to return this shirt and I would like my money back.
Salesperson: I ‘ll have to get some authorization from the manager.
You: O.K.
Manager: May I help you?
You: Yes, thank you. I would like to return this shirt and I would like my money back.
Manager: Is there something wrong with the shirt?
You: No. I would like just to return it and I would like my money back.
Manager: I’m sorry that you don’t like the shirt. Here is your refund, and I do hope you will find something else you like in the store.
You: Thank you very much.
Of course, it doesn’t always go as well or as smoothly as in the previous example. Often, more drastic measures are needed, such as informing the store manager that you intend on canceling their store credit card, writing a letter to the main office, or demanding to speak with someone who can help you more efficiently. Try not to feel silly repeating the same sentence over and over. With practice, however, the technique can be very effective.
Fogging
This method is used to combat criticism. It basically involves agreeing with the other person just enough to let them think you will follow their advice. In this example, someone is criticizing the way you look.
Other Person: Your skirt is kind of short. Don’t you think you should wear them longer? The style is longer skirts now.
You: You’re probably right. The style is longer skirts now.
Other Person: I think that if your hair was shorter, it might be easier to take care of.
You: You could be right. Short hair is easier.
Other Person: You’d look much more feminine if you used lip liner.
You: You’re right. I hadn’t thought about it. I might look more feminine with lip liner.
Other Person: You really should set a good example for your daughter. She copies you.
You: Yes, she does copy me.
Other Person: Let’s go out to lunch.
You: I’m ready, let’s go.
Like the broken record, fogging is useful in situations where you want to minimize communication. You don’t want to listen to advice and you don’t want to argue. Fogging is not always good for situations with partners or friends where you wish to keep communication open and give the other an opportunity to get their feelings out. In such instances, it’s best to listen to other people until they’ve spoken their mind. Then you can comment.
Refocussing
This changes the focus of your discussion with someone from off-topic responses to a description of what’s going on between you. If someone responds to your request in almost any way other than hearing you and replying, you can point out what they’re doing, and refocus back to your request.
You: I’d like you to call me when you know you’ll be getting home late.
Your spouse: Yes, Master!
You: Humor is fine, but it’s getting us off the subject.
Your spouse: So, what’s the point?
You: I’d really appreciate it if you’d let me know when you’ll be getting home late.
Your spouse: You know, I just thought of something. Those nights I get home late, why don’t you just not worry about saving dinner for me. I’ll pick up something on the way home.
You: You’re getting off the point again, and I’m beginning to think that you’re not really listening.
Your spouse: So, you want me to call you if I’m going to be late.
You: Yes. That’s it.
Obviously, this did not solve the problem, but it did begin to get at the underlying issues.
Defusing
This communication technique is used when emotions begin to get extreme. When you sense that anger or hostility from the other person is getting out of hand, try this:
You: I’d like to have my sister visit for the holidays.
Your Spouse: What!? Not again! You’re going to do this to me again! I absolutely won’t have it! No way!
You: I can see that you’re upset and I can even understand. Let’s talk about it another time.
Assertive Questioning
When someone responds negatively when you for making an assertive request, you can often stop the attack by asking them why they are having such a problem with your request.
You: Could you drive with me to the mall now?
Your Spouse: Why don’t you get off my case!
You: Why is it such a problem for you to take me to the mall now?
Your Spouse: I’m tired of taking you so many places.
Obviously, this did not solve the problem, but it did begin to get at the underlying issues.
More Ideas
Take your time responding to people. Think and clarify what you want to say before responding to someone’s request (for example, “I’ll let you know by the end of the week,” or “I’ll call you back tomorrow morning”).
Don’t apologize. When you apologize to people for saying no, you give them the message that you’re “not sure” that your own needs are just as important as theirs.
Be specific. It’s important to be very specific in stating what you will and won’t do, even when you do agree to do something.
Face the person you’re talking to and maintain good eye-contact. Speak in a calm but firm tone of voice. Avoid becoming emotional.
You may feel the impulse to do something else for someone after turning down their request. Make sure that your offer comes out of genuine desire rather than guilt.
Ask specifically for exactly what you want or the person you’re addressing may misunderstand. Instead of saying “I would like to come home by a reasonable hour,” specify “I would like you to come home by 12:00 midnight.”
Avoid using you-statements. Statements that are threatening (“You’ll do this or else”) or coercive (“You have to…”) will put the person you’re addressing on the defensive and decrease the likelihood of your getting what you want.